In Her Fathers Eyes

 


There she sat by his bedside holding his hand remembering the dreams he helped her achieve,
Praying to God that her father would not have to leave.

Tears fall to the floor as she sees him fading away,
Trying to brave for all those who do not have the strength.

She is a rock ,though crumbling deep inside, bring us through this to God she cried.
Don't take this man who snuggled me after waking in the middle of the night because the moster came into my room!

Leave him here to share the memories of my youth, teaching me to dance, teaching me to love. He is not ready, she clutches her hands, and quietly whispers as he breathes that final breath, I am not ready.....

Now she has a photo and memories in her heart that bring back better days filled with laughter and peace.
Telling her children of the memories she had and carrying on his legacy..

At night she holds the picture that is fading away asking God to restore that which is fading again.  Smudge on the back he daddy had written

"When the world is cold, wrap yourself in my love",
"When you feel alone look to heaven and know that I am there dancing with you",
"When the monsters come into your room, remember the strength I used to defeat them, you now possess the strength to move mountains, even though you may not see it nestled deep in your heart. "
Love Daddy.


Original Poem by Angeline Buntin
Nov 18, 2015

Unworthy ( Original Poem)

                                                                   

Unworthy

You look around for a place to hide, 

Noone every knowing the tears your eyes have cried. 

Whether its death or hurt that has brought you here

 you cling to that which makes the pain go away, that of which you fear. 

  

If only I knew when I was a young girl, the Lord above whom I know today.

Never perfect am I, but always striving to be that which you have called me to be. 

As a mom, I struggle ,as I scream and feel defeated more times than not, 

As a wife, who the approval of my beloved I have always sought. 

Gift to me Lord on this day you gave, to love and embrace the path you set before me, 

Not that I may always conqour every endeavor perfectly, 

Only that I never give up on trying to reach my full potential in your loving eyes. 

Unworthy is this soul of your infinite love or kingdom, only asking humbly that you take pity on this soul who has fought her way through strife to do the right thing.  

This child who you formed and know intimately and still love. 

Written by Angeline Buntin

Nov 18, 2015

A Day of Thankfulness... Laugh

Lets face it, in our lives we live in a world of not good enough. However, I, who am guilty of this thought most days know deep down that my life is not just good enough, but better than I deserve. When I was a child I wanted kids, even having hardly any experience caring for them, just knowing I wanted them, I felt this desire grow and grow as I became older. I had my son in 2011 who as such an amazing blessing, that looking back, sleep deprived days, poopy diapers,and having to discipline/love him has been totally worth it. I find it even more true when I see my other two sons and experience the same things with them, times two.
   I prayed for lots of kids when I was a young child, not knowing the work it involved, and when I learned of my second pregnancy I did pray for twins, because I desperately wanted more than 2 kids. God answered prayers and 16 months later seeing all 3 of my boys when I return home from a much needed break whether it is church/shopping/singing, humbles me and I realize that is the true blessing. Their little faces light up, and I hear their laughter, and see the excitement in their faces. This reminds me yea your exhausted, but I am beyond blessed. These gifts were bestowed upon my husband and me to raise and bring up loving God and one day reaching eternal life in Heaven.

 I have felt like a failure lately because I gauge my job as a mother on what society says is acceptable for my children, whether developmental, and educational. Yet, if you break down what is truly important these things are not as important as the legacy they will leave as children of God. If my children learn anything from their mom, I want them to learn she was a woman who loved God. I want them to see that I struggled, but my struggles as a mom/wife/child of God only strengthened my love for God. I want them to remember mommys love and yes mommys laughter. Laughter I believe is something God gives us in order to break the hardness left by an uncaring world. So when they are finding life too difficult I'll tell them to do what always made their mommy happy...... Laugh a Lot

Daily life

 As I sit here writing this I am enjoying something that some people take for granted..... quiet. In my house at any point in the day you are bound to have at least on child exercising their vocal chords at insanely loud decimals. I am propped up on this couch like it is a luxery vehicle with my beverage of choice, and Judge Judy.  Is it wrong that I enjoy my Tuesday between 8-9 pm thanking God for peace finally? My husband is working and while I know he knows I love him, I love this time too.
 While my days are loud they are also precious. Every morning I am greeted with screaming babies who want to have a bottle, or a diaper change or a four year old screaming from his room "Can I get up", "Mommy hello", "Is anybody home". Now I will admit this morning situation is very overwhelming for me. Usually the babies wake up at the exact same time that my husband is enjoying his "luxury" bath. He usually is able to help a little before he has to leave the house by  745. Unfortunately, most days I am even more discouraged because my coffee is either still in the canister or getting cold on the counter.... Iced Mocha anyone? Feeding 2 hungry babies and having a 4 year old along with the question of " Can I watch a show" as soon as the kid opens his mouth....I mean really, no I love you mommy, nope, mommy is clutching her cup of coffee as she tries to reminds herself that I am not super mom. Ha, I'm not?
 All of this frustration however, is subdued once coffee is consumed and I have a little crawler at my leg wanting a mommy snuggle... That is definitely a mender of all mommy " booboo's".  A real tale -tale sign of my morning is whether I have had a chance to shower before noon. This isn't really by choice. Let's face it, I surely will not leave a 4 year old in charge of watching my two 1-year olds. If I decide to put them in sometime of confining contraption highchair or playpen, I have to get my mind ready for a screaming fit, I mean they dont' want to be locked up, just as I wouldn't I'm sure.
 Depending on everything that has happend before lunch depends on whether or not I have decided to homeschool the 4 year old. Granted it is only math, reading, and religion, but thats an hour. These hours are usually interupted by fighting babies (over one of the older boys toys), or them rummaging through a bookshelf that I couldn't quite block off. That is always a fun event, like today, Benjamin decided to grab a basket hanging from the bookshelf, then, BAM!! Yep stressful moment here we go, as the other one decides to join in the chaos and the oldest sits there with a blank stare?
 Another peaceful time in my day is after lunch ( yes I skipped this in my detailed recollection), usually because it is a blur. When everyone goes down for a nap that is Heaven, why do you ask? Depending on whether or not I had the opportunity to clean while everyone was "playing" or "eating" determines whether I am able to clean or sit down and actually watch a "mommy show". A whole hour to myself. If it is more its a rare day in that case I might get an extra show. One might ask why I don't sleep when the kids are sleeping, well lets think, if the only time in your day you have to enjoy something without having a constant distraction occurs during nap, you should jump on that like a fat kid on a cupcake... mmm that sounds good! On days when I probably should have taken a nap, I usually decide to drink a cup of coffee by 3 pm. Yea bad move but I was desperate. Once nap time is over ( hopfully) it was a long one, its time to the feeling I had at 7am to start all over again this time without the husband there to offer what help he can. If I have remembered to pull something out for dinner now is the time where I figure out my cooking game plan, and at this point I decide if I have enough energy to bathe all 3 of these boys. While it isn't difficult its just tricky and since my husband is nice enough to do it when he gets home, I don't mind letting him help me...  (at this point in the blog I am slacking in details which means I am probably too tired to do more) of course.... So Goodnight, until next time... Ps I am not complaining about my life but just imagine when we leave the house. Thats a whole new story/blog.

Holding on to a piece of yourself

    As I sit here listening to my pandora which is always set to "Chipmunks", I quickly change to Carol King because all the kids are "napping", and I am reminded that God has a plan for my life everyday, just by the song I hear playing. Like God always does with his perfect timing, he puts into my ears" Beautiful" by Carol King, which says in the first 15 seconds,  you have to wake up every morning smiling. While it is hard most days especially when I haven't had my coffee, this statement is true. but what makes you smile? Do your children, husband, or maybe getting together with your friends? People often ask me how I do it and honestly my response most days is "I don't know".  Deep down, however, I think I know what it is. Before I had a family I was a musicaholic,  a former music major, with lots of training, and a karaoke junky, I found a release from my stress through music. If college was too much or life had me down I would find my nearest karaoke hotspot and let it rip, sometimes 5 days a week when I was really overwhelmed. Yea, I know that admits to not having a life, but before I was married with kids I don't think I had a life, at least not that made me feel as " needed" or as "wanted", as being a mom. Notice I didn't use wife because if anyone knows my husband, knows, he is self sufficient and doesn't need me for his survival or entertainment. However, sometimes as a homemaker, wife, and mom I do find myself loosing who I am  in all the uncontrolable moments, and while I am happy for them all, I am reminded and gladly embrace the fact that I need my music/ singing/ or mediocore piano skills in my life. 

    For a while after graduating college, (when I became married and the first year of my first sons life), I wasn't involved in music, and it wasn't until I started battling depression and the anxiety being of a new mom, that a Dr. told me I needed something for myself, and obviously what came to mind was music. My husband has been such a supporter, I guess because he realizes that it is a part of me (I hope he knows lol). While I can't hit the karaoke scene like I use to, I have my outlet, singing in a community choir, church choir, and cantor, and yes I am a lot happier because of it. 

   Most moms and dads (I'm sure) can admit when you are home all the time with our beautiful gifts from God  you do not want to be only known as a parent and spouse. You want to feel like you have an identity outside of those roles.  Some might say, why don't you just work outside the home, well let's face it nothing beats watching your children grow, it is not for the weak however, it is a major job in itself. It is not selfish to find fullfillment outside of tantrums, snuggles,  poopy diapers, or cooking dinner. While I may never have a quiet trip to the bathroom until my children are grown and out of the house (maybe not even then), I do have something for me. 

  I hear friends tell me how they wish they could do something like I am fortunate to do (sing), and I want to tell them you can, just tell your spouse you need something for you especially if he wants to have a happy home he or she (as the case may be) better allow for some independent time. It may only be two hours a week, but those two hours are yours... So find something for yourself and don't feel bad for taking time for you. 

Filled with the Spirit

Today I had the fortunate opportunity to sing at my church's confirmation service with the Archbishop of our diocese. Here I sat thinking before we began the service it was going to be just another service, I wasn't expecting much. I have always enjoyed this particular archbishop's homilies, however, tonight really touched home. From the beginning I began thinking or my own confirmation over 20 years ago. Flooded with emotions of excitement and sadness I held onto his words hoping even if for just a few minutes I could be filled with the same feelings I felt back then. As he began talking with the conformation cadidates I did feel like God was speaking to me. 

His first prayer: 

1.) Choose your friends wisely. I have always had a problem with this. I have never done a great job of making friends, partly because I am always afraid of rejection so it has always been easier to keep a distance and not let anyone close enough to reject me. However, looking back I think that God has done exactly what was right for me! While I may not have always had a lot of friends, as an adult the decisions I have made have given me true, honest, God loving friends, who support and love me. So yes, please choose your friends wisely. Just because others may seem "cool", it doesn't mean it is what is right for you. Choose friends that are builders, who inspire you better yourself, and fullfill your highest potential in order to get to Gods Kingdom. Find friends who can make you laugh and appreciate the world and the blessings you have in your life. 

His next prayer for the youth: 

2. ) Don't be Stupid, when I first heard this "Holy Man" the Archbishop say this to a group of kids I couldn't help but laugh so hard, because it is the truth. He also told them this bit of insight that goes right along with not being stupid, " God will forgive", "People will forgive", "Nature won't forgive". Sit and think about that for a while. As kids we hear not to do drugs, drink, have premarital sex, etc, of course in some cases it falls upon deaf ears, however, to the young folks sitting in those pews today I really do pray that they realize how powerful accepting God and being led by the spirit is. 

There were so many pieces of wisdom that were shared with us at Mass today, if only, only they fall on fertile soil. I'll leave you with one final thought, while the Holy Spirit rains upon us all just remember that each plant produces different things, apples, pecans, cotton, etc. Keep in mind that he knows the plans for you, and you can not even fathom what he has set before you as his children. 

Everyone has heard of a Roaming Catholic especially a lot of Catholics

I am what most Catholics call a cradle Catholic (born into the faith), however, it wasn't until I reached my late 20's that I finally found my church home.  Here is the journey I had to get to where I am now. I grew up in a "small" Catholic church in Mobile, Alabama for the first 18 years of my life. It was a close parish, we knew each others names and the priest we had growing up gave a warmth that I loved to experience as a youth. However, when I graduated high school an event happened with the "new" priest and I was led away from my home.  I was inactive for a while, occasionally attending mass at random churches never feeling like I belonged there. I had been to Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, as a youth and honestly at one point I probably felt more connected with the Baptist Church because you would always see the people lit with "fire" for Christ. That was until I started working as a cantor at another Catholic church in my diocese. It was what I will say attributed to my going to weekly Mass and finding a purpose, that I was missing for so long until.... The same "situation" that deterred me from my home church a few years earlier resurfaced. I held fast because I honestly loved being a cantor and the music was done beautifully. After years of serving as a cantor I realized that was my "main reason for going" which I knew was wrong. So God gave me an out and thus my new journey to  find a church where I could serve him without distraction was once again underway. I started cantoring again and while it wasn't as much as a distraction I still wasn't "complete".  That was until one day, God led me to a church that was literally 2 minutes from my home. I started out as just a member of the congregation (no ministries to serve in). Then I met the Music Ministers wife, who introduced me to her husband who gave me a place in a new church, where I am now raising my three sons, I am a lector, cantor/choir member, and feel blessed to be able to volunteer in so many other ways. 

Lesson Learned: While the path God gives you maybe bumpy, he will always lead you home.